making the movie

For the umpteenth time, the self loving egotistic slender 35yr old billionaire ran his hand gently over his hair as he studied his image in the mirror; he had turned his skin into a farm of some sort applying every possible fertilizer on it just to look good, and the result? Michael Jackson collect broad Oluwawana George the billionaire, philanthropist and crazed spotlight seeker was about to do it again, this time he was going to own the tabloids. The manufacturing mogul who invented market hits like the ugwu flavoured condom, calabar girl dildo’s, anti-ABSU pepper spray, werepe (a plant that causes one to itch) flavoured vaginal and anal patch (protect against male and female rape, you need to see how the bastard retards itch when their damned tool touches the patch). Mr George was a legend, he was only working to add the ‘-ary’.
High on skunk we both discussed his next project, Mr George’s wife was having her 30th birthday anniversary and he was proposing an epic project to mark her birthday, once again, this was another ego motivated show off stunt. The reason was simple, Wana’s 2best frenemies – the aluminium sheet (kpan in yoruba) mogul, chief rinolee had earlier celebrated his wife’s birthday in style, he had celebrated the big bash on the 3rd mainland bridge, shutting it down for the entire day, hence no matter where u were in lagos u must hear something was going down because the traffic that single act caused was immense. The other frenemy, professor, mallam, ambassador terdoh had celebrated his wife’s b’day and he gave out 64 inch plasma screens to those who bought aso ebi. Wana was furious, he had to do something.
Wana; taqwa i want u to do something for me
Nodding in approval, wana went on
Wana: but first i want this to be secret so we’d have to start using code names
Taqwa: so wat do u have in mind
Wana: am suggesting codename bday parry
Taqwa: (in shock, jaw drops) I thought used it was to be secret
Wana: (laughing hysterically like a male version of madam gagoo) my point exactly, most people won’t believe that’s what I want to do, they’d think it’s a trick whereas it’s not, I’m throwing them off balance, do u now get
Taqwa: (still not getting it but didn’t want to get into an argument)
Wana: I want you to do a remake of a movie for me (leans close to whisper the movie)
Taqwa: if this is all a joke, tell Ashton Kutcher to come out, I admit, I have been punked.
Wana: am serious, I’m putting down 500million on this one
Taqwa: *dies and goes to heaven, but the angel on duty is igbo so I bribe him to come back to earth*
Wana: am serious jor, I have to show those two children who runs this town.
Taqwa: if you are for real, I can get it done
Wana: but there are some specifications sha (taqwa nods at him to go on) eeerm you see I have always had this childhood fantasy for razz girls (shifting uncomfortably cos of the confession), but i have never brought myself to relate with such lowlifes
Taqwa: hian, they are humans o!
Wana: whatever, for the leading female role I want you to get jenifa, thoughts of her boobs gets me up faster than Viagra.
Taqwa: eeeew, *spits in wana’s golden cigarette ash tray* wana remember the last movie I made- the 80yr old virgin- when you were watching it with your wife she covered your eyes when it got to the sex scene, and that was iya rainbow’s boobs o!, besides, I’m born again I don’t show boobs in my movies again *insert choir hymn*
Wana: I’ve already worked that out, you don’t need to show any boobs and my wife isn’t going to cover my eyes, all I have to do is to be present at the shooting with my Vaseline in hand
Taqwa: dude you are just retarded!
Tired of the bullshit taqwa agrees to wana’s term and proceed to exit wana’s plane (oh I didn’t tell you earlier, it’s a bad ass jet and to show how gangstar he is and the fact that he may be out of the street but his heart was still in it, he painted it black and yellow like lagos cabs)
Taqwa jumps out of the plane with a parachute, he landed somewhere in the caribeans, where his beach house is located.
Its 5minutes to network news on wana news cooperation and they are showing the advert for the new movie for the first time, the streets are empty because everyone has been anticipating the release of the movie. By the way, rinolee and terdoh had ordered all the tv’s in their houses to be swichted off in anger.
*in thick heavy, igbo accent*
Thunder sounds three times* please read fast like they do in igbo moviez
heeee, heee heeee, house of ghaz don come again o, with anoda ogbonge classic, chei, see as mama and her two pikin they treat her dead husband daughter *in tearful voice* eeewo, dem don use the geh like hand me down brazier. Shows a scene where the girl is poured hot soup, unilag style*, na so d geh dey cry sote, mami water appear enta ha room com give am clot and shoe go wan party, bet em tell am say make she comot d party before 12am. D geh com go d party meet one rich bobo. Like person wey neva see beta for her life, d geh com dey clinch on top d fine boi, konji don make d geh forget say 12 don nack, na so she dey run go aus forget brazier o, na d brazier d boy com use find am yeeeeh see tru loff as d two of dem com marry
jenifa as Cinderella
segun arinze as rich bobo
nicki minaj as the mami water
Your grandmother as the wicked step mother
And in a never before seen act, aki and pawpaw as the two step sistas o
GRAB YOUR COPY NOWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


the upside down frown

God bless all clowns
I was 7 wen I read dt poem
But I neva forgot dt 1st line
Wat maks a clown
Is it d fact dt he cn fake a smyl!
Evn wen he’s hurtn insde
A magician cn pull up a trick
Dat dosnt mean he cn fix a brokn heart
Y shud clowns b sad wen dia job is happiness
lyf is only an irony if a learned man can die frm lack of knowledge
If I fake a smile m I an imposter d clown askd
If d patient dies in d theatre is d doctor a murderer, I replied
Pretence is d game n al humans r guilty
N when d make-up is washed of d face
D naked truth lies beneath

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