2012


The rain washed the lonely streets of isale oja in akure, the rains fell so heavy that the sleeping wife wouldn’t hear the loud moans of the maid getting action from her husband even if the three of them were lying on the same bed. The locals claimed these were the heaviest rains in 50years. Pitan made his way to his to friend Adefemi’s house. Heavily drenched, he managed to shrug of the cold aided by his little swigs of a locally brewed whiskey. He found Adefemi huddled in front of his little shrine carrying a worried look on his face like a horrible make up, Pitan couldn’t hold his concern as he blurted out
‘ore what is it that makes a great man like you bow so low in front of the gods so close that you can smell their fart’
Adefemi who hadn’t noticed his friend walk in quickly turned and offered his salutation. Quickly without wasting time he delivered a response to douse the tension in his friends mind, unfortunately, the response did little to put Pitan’s mind at rest.
‘ore, the wind has blown and the fowl’s yansh has opened, but an incredible twist to it is that the fowl in question now wears a pant’
Pitan nodded like someone who gradually understood the situation, he knew his friend would elaborate
‘ore, adefemi continued, this time getting up to demonstrate ‘ the secret of the sexy walk of the cat has been leaked and even the elephant is trying it out
Obviously lost, Pitan tried to get his friend to drive close to home, he got up, it was his turn to speak, as he spoke he also demonstrated
‘ore mi, you mean to say the baboon that dips his hand into its anus and smells it has now died’
The look of surprise was plastered on Pitan’s face as Adefemi nodded in approval and said ‘o seun, Thank you, I’ve often said to people that you are a wise man.
Now horridly lost Pitan decided to play one last card to get his parable speaking divination loving friend to speak in clear terms, he held his mouth with both hands like someone in shock and asked
‘How did it happen?’
By now, Adefemi was definitely going to tell the tale and Pitan was so glad the mental torture was over.
‘ore, two days ago, while talking to the gods and inquiring about the heavy downpours that have been frequenting us, I heard two voices discuss something terrible, funny enough the voices were oyinbo people and I clearly had one say *talking in hushed tones* the end of the world is coming.
Ha! Pitan screamed and jumped in fear, as he tried to hide behind his own shadow. How can this be, he asked
‘I don’t know ore mi, Adefemi replied, but when I woke up this morning I didn’t see the aso oke I used to hang around the neck of the deities, so I am thinking they have left and forsaken us.
‘Oloshi ni awon kini yen o’ (those deities are foolish), Pitan said. ‘What are we going to do know ore’
I also overheard them talking about building a big boat to stay in, while they await the end of the rains’ Adefemi said.
‘ore, fantastic idea, those oyinbo just keep amazing me, there is this thing my son bought for me, if I wear it on my baba isale, no matter how many times me and funke, chief arowolo’s wayward daughter, jollificate, she will never get pregnant, ore it is beyond amazing. The best part is, after usage, I can rinse it with water and it is ready for use again’ pitan said.
‘Ore, you have to borrow me one of these days o’ Adefemi said.
‘Back to the problem at hand, how are we going to build a boat Adefemi’
‘you see that is not a problem, pastor, my neighbor once mentioned the story of one man in the bible that built a big ark, I am sure when we ask him to show us the page in the bible, we will see how he did it. The real problem is, who and who will enter this ship’
Ore mi, that’s an important question o! Because if the world is coming to an end, it could be an opportunity o’ Pitan said.
Eh ehn, how do you mean? Adefemi said.
Adefemi, we have to be sharp about these things, for example, you know you still owe Lamidi 20,000naira from last year, it means that if Lamidi wants to enter our ship, he will forfeit the money. Me I have three wives and I am tired of all of them and their troubles so none of them would enter, I’d look for fresh meat to take into our ship. We will both go to Oba Asipa and tell him about this problem and our solution, then we will ask him to bring all his gold and money and whatever possession he has, but we would give him the wrong date so we would end up sharing the booty.
Ore mi, you are a genius, but it doesn’t end their o, we would make sure there are at least nine women to every man, you know it has been cold of late and we would need warmth, no amount of wrapper would protect like a woman’s skin’ Adefemi said.
The two men laughed as they perfected their plan, making a selfish list of the members of their big ship. Morning came and the rains never stopped. The two men went to look for pastor to check for the plan of their ship but pastor had run away in search of safety and he didn’t leave his bible. Days went by and the smell of hopelessness hung in the air like rotten armpit.
Pitan drank so much that he became courageous enough to use one of his wives big iron pot as a boat, as he rowed down the street he called out to people to join him. His friend on the other hand decided to consult the oracle in search of an answer, he told the king that for the gods to answer him he needed to be with a woman who had seen royal genitals. Aided by pitans rubber gloves, he proceeded to communicate with the gods. The magun (thunderbolt) that the kings had cursed his wives with killed him.

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18 thoughts on “2012

  1. The story came out sorta comical as were your intentions but they still lacked finesse among other things. I saw the connection you tried to make with the Armageddon movie “2012”, which wasn’t bad. Hopefully you will do better next time

    • thanks, really appreciate your honest criticism. wrote it a long time ago, i was bored and decided to post it. thanks for reading

  2. Cool story,made me read till the end buh I was expecting more. Wasn’t fascinated.

    • Very honest…i like that. I just wanted to write something different this time. Thanks alot, i hope to impress you next time

  3. Nice conceit! Love the story of treacherous men trying to earn a quick one from the end of the world event. Can’t be sure though when that event would occur, so it’s moot oo! Sad the Pastor left. :d witty.

  4. Yeah I quite liked but maybe redo ending …. some comical bits in there also… please keep it up 🙂

  5. Good story… Love the richness in culture,elements of comic relief too but there were typos and some grammatical errors too… Some parts too didn’t connect very well… But u said its an old story … M looking forward to ur next post, m sure it will be way better. Nice one! -Alex Amos

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