Forever in my Heart

I have been itching to write again for a long time, a simple story, not necessarily a brilliant one, but it must be a soothing one. For days, no muse, no plot, I. tossed my imaginary manuscript into an imaginary trash can and wished a new story would write itself. It is not writers block, I doubt if I ever have that, its just the need to get it right, to tell a tale that comes from within, a lot of truth with a pinch of fiction and little or no exaggeration. Maybe I’d just stretch the descriptions of the emotion to let the reader really connect, but like Kiah, my sinsei says, make it original, make it true.
So this sunday morning I dug into my memory to find files I may have buried in brain fluids (not dust), to relive memories that were once my reality, and once, they were all that my life was about.

1996. I was shorter than most boys but Suleiman was shorter than I was, he was never going to be tall. But what he lacked in height, he made up for in brilliance. He comfortably led tests and exams and I was proud to be his friend. You could mostly find us together. The third part of our triplet was Olumide. All three of us were handsome but Olumide’s light skin knocked us of the shelves, and he was also brilliant so it seemed I was the small fish of the group, but my friends never made me feel that way. We all were in the top 7 in our class, of course I held the seventh position, while my childhood crush, Oyinkansola, held on to the second position till we lost Suleiman to another school. That was the first time I lost him and it wasn’t going to be the last.
To be honest, my memory does not have many vivid pictures of our times together and the games we played, but I have strings of memories that I could possibly piece together to make a big picture. Even though he was full yoruba, I think he had this strange Hausa beauty underneath, maybe somewhere in his lineage, someone had married a northerner. But wait, I think his family is from Kwara, and of course many Ilorin people have that Fulani blood underneath. I dunno, I can’t find him to ask him.
If you are reading this, know that I pray for you. They say all children go to heaven so I am comforted that you are in a better place. Life wasn’t what I expected it to be, for the most part its been a bumpy ride. You didn’t grow up to work in Jebba like your dad. You could talk endlessly about him and how you wanted to be an Engineer like him. Well, I also didn’t turn out to be a Doctor like my dad. I crashed out of medical school like a plane that suddenly lost all its engines in the air, and I spent the next 5years finding who I really am. Still haven’t completely figured that out.
This earth stinks, but once in a while you get that ray of sunshine that gives you hope. My mother is a diva. I finally stopped living in my brother’s shadow and wanting to be like him, he is just too awesome I can’t compete, he is Legendary and I am, me. I still think he is the ‘awesomest’ person ever though. You can say I grew up with a sorta personality disorder, I was always looking for something or someone to believe in, first it was my Dad, then my tall fine brother..lol, then it was Mubarak (a true blood), then the club lights and heavy speakers. Recall that I said my mother is a diva? Its ‘cos all through this period, she stayed, bless her soul she stayed and she is still here.
All the while I felt as if I was looking for a high, and the club lights and speakers were close to it but I couldn’t get my fill, I always wanted more. You see spirituality is different, it is as though you are floating, limitless, contended. God, He is all shades of cool
I fell in love bro, twice, I can’t say it was worth it and I can’t say it wasn’t, but it was a hellish season, sweet little angels, God bless their souls. You know what they say, no love lost, no love found. I really wish I was more patient and more matured before I ventured into such business. Yesterday is gone, there is a girl in sight now, but I’m too drained and there is still too much to accomplish, so I’d just let someone else have her. You remember how we hated girls? I kept my crush a secret from you so that you and Olumide wouldn’t tease me, *sigh* days of our lives. Olumide and I didn’t keep in touch, I saw him a few years ago, he should be an Architect now.
I am not proud of the life I have lived but I am proud of the man I have become. It scares me to death that I don’t know how many days left for me. I dunno when it’d be that I’d come up there, pray for me like I pray for you. Somehow I feel as though you were luckier, we know you are in a better place and I am still striving. I hope to see you when I get there, let’s continue where we left off.

For Suleiman, tears are not enough, good memories are what you deserve.
Inallilahi wa innaillaehi rajjiun

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20 thoughts on “Forever in my Heart

  1. Mr Kasali!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’ve never been mentioned in any of ur posts, so take this ┌П┐ (•_•)┌П┐

  2. Taqwa. Hmmmmmnnnn.

    I’m sure you do not realize how awesome YOU are. You’re the fresh breeze that keeps us calm. You’re one of the best shoulders to cry on and you are by far a very Wonderful friend everyone deserves.

    We all have our inadequacies, you know mine :d. But that doesn’t make us less awesome.
    Btw, as tdh as the elder bro is.. He has nothing on you *wink*

    This is a very beautiful piece. May Allah have mercy on Suleiman .

    And ErrrrmmmM you’re still not tall :p , but we love you just the way you are .

  3. Good 🙂 although u got me confused for a moment. So when are u nd sodiq getting married, nd yes u didn’t cc me or mention me too 😐

  4. I like this post because it’s really original and emotional and I think compassionate. It’s laudable really, I don’t think I would write a post like this anytime soon. Not for a dearth of the “required skill”, but cos most of the things I would say are better kept to myself..at least that’s what I think.

    About the girl, if she’s really worth it, I don’t think you should let her go even though you’re ‘drained’ and you still have much to accomplish. It’s not enough excuse to have something truly valuable and precious pass you by. Who knows how the future would look like?

  5. I like this post because it’s really original and emotional and I think compassionate. It’s laudable really, I don’t think I would write a post like this anytime soon. Not for a dearth of the “required skill”, but cos most of the things I would say are better kept to myself..at least that’s what I think.

    About the girl, if she’s really worth it, I don’t think you should let her go even though you’re ‘drained’ and you still have much to accomplish. It’s not enough excuse to have something truly valuable and precious pass you by.

  6. And concerning living in the shadow of another sibling, boy do I know how that feels! 🙂 Like you I just decided to do my own thing and not compete with him.. 🙂

  7. Yaa TaqwAllah. I pray to the Almighty to have mercy on the soul of Sulaiman. You know what bro? I was extremely happy for you the last time we met. I could see increased Eeemaan in you and hat is all that matters and counts. Luv you bro

  8. Hmmm… I really love this! May almighty Allah grant him aljannah… About the living in ur brothers shadow, I know how that feels… About the girl, GO FOR IT! 😀 barakallahu feehi

  9. I totally agree with hanifah, we ilorins are beautiful ppl! .^_^. Inallilahi wa inna ilayhi rajjiun. May Allah SWT make Al jannatul firdaus our dwelling place so all this worldly stuff wont matter eventually.

  10. This is simply beautiful,i av tearful emotions but d tears r just refusing c come out,dis’s luvly

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