the way to a man’s heart

I woke up on the bright side this morning, 8:30am to be precise, I have self imposed work free fridays and I am craving for something my hands cannot cook, only a gifted woman’s hands can. I re-affirm my conviction to marry a woman who is seasoned in the ways and manners of the Samaurai Art of Kitchen Warfare, one who can whip up a good meal and not be fatigued. A good meal should follow good sex, brothers can I get an Amen?.
They do not come cheap, especially in this noodles era. Processed food is the devils reply to the age long quote that says; the way to a mans heart is through his stomach. The devil laughs behind an unseen screen and watches how we all feed ourselves cancer. I laugh knowing that the lowest place in hell fire is reserved for him. Gotcha didn’t I.
I digress. They do not come cheap, women who are swift on their African feet, and whose hands can cut, turn, dice, chop, stir and shove food in the war room popular called The Kitchen. You might be thinking I love food, and I am one of those men who can be jazzed/poisoned/numbed/stoned with food. Well, if you must know, in the year of our lord 1990, I was made immune to all that trickery. No woman can make me fall for her by black magic, except with the sincererity of sweat and adept cooking skills. Then I’d be glad to be your mugu.
Take a second to picture a man who is angry and shouting at his wife, then she serves him and he starts eating. Do you think he can eat a sweet meal and shout at the same time? No, God didn’t make man with that much sophistication. By the slightest possible chance, if he can, then it means either his mother or his mistress can cook better than you, then you have to do something about all these flies perching on your property, but I am not an expert in that field, you can make adequate consultation elsewhere. I know men who can sign a blank check while eating. Real talk.
What really is the price of a woman who can cook. You must know that many extra qualities if added to being a good cook makes the bride more worthy, especially to a fine brother like me (if I don’t wash myself, who will)
Before concluding this post I’d like to apologise to a group of women who may feel discriminated against. May God whose mercy is limitless grant your hearts succour, we men don’t care much about you. For those who think beauty is enough to trap a man, well I think you are just very bad economist. Do you know that its cost just about 25,000naira to get into a cooking program, may even be less. Now, do you know how much a life time of Marykay cost? Add the cost of a face lift every 2years when you hit 35, and boobs, stomach and buttocks enhancement? (*sigh* it is really a mans world, no time for that BS). But if you can could cook, you may not need this much reconstruction. Let me quickly add that being a good cook isn’t a guarantee that he will never leave, but chances are high that he will always come back.
So how much is a woman that can cook really worth? Well, I couldn’t find a concrete figure in the Quran or Bible, so under divine guidance I profer a possible figure. After much adding and no subtraction, I arrive at a close figure- ‘Priceless’. The woman is priceless. But her father should fear God and remember that I am still hustling and be kind to a brother when I go to pay her dowry.
Panel of judges, co-debaters and my audiences, I hereby hope I have been able to convince you and not confuse you that a wife’s greatest quality is her cooking.

*dusts hands* 11th commandement sayeth, o ye feminist, thou shall not build tents in my comment section.
Dedicated to all the stealth armoured chefs that makes their husbands happy, and all the Ibadan women who make Amala feel so heavenly. True samurai’s *takes a bow*
A minute silence to all the male folks who have burnt their fingers trying to steal a piece of meat from a hot pot of stew.

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13 thoughts on “the way to a man’s heart

  1. Hmmmm! Good one bro, really love dis post. May Allaah continue to increase you in knowledge and put barakah in your dealings. Maybe you should create a page where young men like me and meet young muslim, good ladies who are cookers *lol* just kidding thou

  2. Yes indeed…the way to a man’s heart is via his stomach.
    MashaAllah. What a beautiful piece. Well written brother.

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